Q & A with Glenn and Phyllis

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Q: How do we manage our sexual relationship after the birth of a child? Our son is two months old and the adjustment for my husband and me has been difficult.

A: Bear in mind, this is a temporary situation. Your body has been through an amazing adventure in a myriad of ways. The impact of that will fade and eventually return to ‘normal.’ However, your child is not temporary and will impact you and your marriage for years, even more if you have more children. Nonetheless, this need not be a point of defeat for you. The story of the young couple on pages 230-232 of the SIMINOK book is an excellent testimony to this. You can make this a time of wonderful creativity and experimentation. Obviously the first days and weeks after childbirth are exceptional due to the physical ordeal the birth canal has undergone. However, the sexual intimacy you share in your marriage covenant can be as fun as ever.

Openness in communication is crucial. Be real and honest about how you feel and what you are experiencing. Chapters six and seven on Sexual Friendship are helpful. It is important for your husband to be patient and sensitive in dealing with this evolution in your relationship. It is also important for you to realize your husband still craves sexual interaction with you. While your focus can easily become exclusively on the new member of the family, remember your stronger commitment is to one another. Forgetting that leads to the eventual ‘ empty nest syndrome.’

Fatigue is a major consideration for most new parents, moms usually more than dads. Again, creativity is necessary to insure the special time which will maintain the spark between you. Anytime of day is a great time to be involved sexually. Perhaps a friend can even keep the little one for a short length of time. Even an hour alone can do wonders for such a situation. Too many couples use a date night for dinner and a movie when they would be far more blessed spending time together sexually. Be creative and experiment.

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Q: Why do marriage counselors not address sexuality? My wife and I went through extensive premarriage counseling with two different counselors and sex was barely mentioned. We’ve been married four months and have had terrible difficulties. We never imagined it would cause so much heartache.

A: Answering a general ‘why’ question is virtually impossible because each situation is unique. We can only give generalities as to what we have witnessed and found to be true in some or most situations. Much of this is covered in chapter 14 of the SIMINOK book, pages 201-212.

Understand, the percentage of married couples who experience the sexual involvement and fulfillment which both parties desire is very small. This includes marriage counselors as well as anyone else. As a culture we have set up a system which says “knowledge alone is reality”; in other words, if an individual possesses certain knowledge, they are competent to live it and teach it. This is far from true but our society continues to insist on believing it.

We don’t know your counselors so we cannot speak to their specifics but they obviously do not understand the significance of sexuality in the marriage covenant. We can draw one of two conclusions or both. 1) They do not experience sufficient quality sexually with their spouse to deem it worth passing on and/or 2) It is so deeply ingrained within them that sexuality is a taboo subject, they are not able to share its exciting beauty.

Regardless, take whatever benefit you can from their instruction and forget the negative ramifications they conveyed to you. Read God’s word, read SIMINOK and delight in God’s genius.

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